Jimbo's Journal

Today was the golf outing of one of my suppliers.  Last year was exhausting but a lot of fun.  This year there were some complications, and basically I wound up bowing out of the golf but still attending the prime rib dinner after the fact.  Very good, and lots of door prizes.

Anyway without going into details, there was some miscommunication.  He called me to let me know they were done with the golf portion, and I failed to read the (upon reflection) quite obviously implicit message.  So I got all pissed off and lost my temper and hung up on him.  I'd thought I had learned to control this a bit better and realize that things like this just aren't important enough to get upset about.  Because without fail getting upset never helps and only makes me miserable, so it pointless - no, it's detrimental.

Apparently I still need to work on this.  Instead of learning to control it, it's quite possible that I've just succeeded in not placing myself in these sort of situations.

Went over to Rockford last night to have dinner with some family, specifically my cousin who is here from Thailand.  Chinese buffet.  Talked with my cousin a bit more about vacationing in Thailand (next spring?), but ..... well, I'm closer but still uneasy/unable to commit.

I woke up this morning around 4ish to go to the bathroom.  I could tell I wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep, so I sat in my chair and watched the first two episodes of Supernatural season 4.  As the second episode was finishing, my alarm went off, so I got up and showered.  I went back to my chair and, of course, almost immediately fell asleep.

Now I am really tired and can't get into the groove here at work (not that this is all that unusual).

So last Tuesday I had a chiropractor appointment.  I've been going more frequently recently to help with posture and neck pain and to ward off "hunchback" of my neck protruding forward.  Wednesday I had a dentist appointment.  I spent most of the time in the chair thinking about how I have been using both these doctors in the wrong way.  I've basically been going to each in order to correct all the bad habits that I do between appointments.  I haven't actually been actively trying to correct my behaviors but instead relying on them to "course correct" me.  To sum up: I am lazy.  This is by no means a revelation.  It was, however, sort of a new perception of the problem.  So I had a bit of a renewed sense of purpose.  The problem is that my ambivalence has already won back and I have fallen back into the bad patterns.  So part of this post is just a bit of self-flagellation, part is a way to hold myself accountable.  I know that one of my biggest problems (in no ways limited to my back/neck or teeth) is that I tend to convince myself that if I make minor corrections that some external force will come along and finish the job.  In other words.... things will magically get better.

Saturday, I went to friends for a 8th grade graduation party of their daughter.  The same one that luminousx went to.  I knew he was going, but apparently he didn't know I was going, which made it slightly less comfortable for him than for me.  (Sorry about that.)  I had a good time (they had Italian Beef - my favorite), but unfortunately I had to leave midway through the showing of Hitchhiker's Guide.  It was just getting too late and I had an almost 2 hour drive to go. On the way home, I decided to push through a light that had turned yellow and ..... didn't make it.  Of course, the car behind me (too far back to see) was a cop.  He pulled me over immediately.  Fortunately when he came to my window he said that he had another call and let me go.  I believe that is the first time I have ever been pulled over (by real police) and not ticketed.  Whew!

Sunday I spent cleaning up a bit in anticipation of my parents coming over so we could do something for Father's Day.  Unfortunately my dad wasn't feeling too well after sitting outside in the heat, so we postponed it until this coming Sunday.  Bummer.

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Yesterday I stopped at the Condo Assoc and informed them of a few nagging problems.  I got a recommendation for a garage door repair company that they use.  Not that I have to use them but it takes out the agonizing decision making process that I would normally go through (and had partially immobilized me til this point).  I told them of the security door that doesn't latch (not my responsibility, but no one has reported it in a month apparently), and I scheduled a time for a maintenance guy to look at the rotted drywall above my wall-mount AC.  When I replaced my water heater the guy told me he thought it might be cause by a leak from outside water.  I have no idea if I will be responsible for this repair or not, which has kept me from doing anything until now.  Unfortunately I scheduled the repair for the day of my chiropractor appt, so now I have to change that - much easier than changing the repair though.

These are but a few of the things that I have let pile up and cause me quite a fair amount of anxiety.  These and a few more are thing that I absolutely must do before I can even begin to contemplate selling my place and looking for someplace new.  The fact that I haven't just stresses me out, and they pile up and don't ever let me truly relax, so this is a positive step.

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This coming Saturday I'm going up to the Jake's and then a group of us are hopping over to Summerfest to see BNL.... and hopefully I can relax enough to (get drunk enough to) have a good time.  I don't have to worry about driving.  :)   Then Sunday come home, clean up some more and take Dad (and Mom) out for a late FD dinner.

Then Monday will hopefully be the rescheduled chiro appt., Tuesday the home repair.  Thursday is a long drive to meet up with a friend from college who is in the area.

*sigh*  I'm exhausted already.

I had a dream last night that I was in a beachfront town.  There was a beautiful beach.  A multitude of people were swimming in the beautiful waters, mostly young but some older.  I was staying at a shop (named Weis, for whatever reason) that belonged to someone in the family.  Up the shore there was a beached ship with a large shark (I don't quite fully understand the symbolism of the shark) skewered on the bowsprit (had to look that up).  I kept looking at the beach and longing to go out there, to swim.  Then I was in a car, driving away from the beach.  I never made it to the beach, never got to swim.  I doubt now that I'll ever make it back there.

So I got in my car and had just gotten just down the street when my phone rang.  T was calling to say that she had to reschedule our lunch because she had to take her mother to the hospital.  Her mom's artificial hip had apparently "popped out" (again).  She apparently has two artificial hips and this happens ..... occasionally.  She said, "It's my turn to take her to the hospital."  I haven't heard back from her yet.  Though this does limit potential times since luminousx's Halloween Bash is next weekend.  

On a MUCH more positive note, I have a date for lunch tomorrow ......

I've been curious about Technical Writing for a while.  Perhaps I should look into it more.

I am surprised (yet not) that I show interest in networking but no skills.

Also, GIS Specialist (never heard of it before) and Real Estate Appraiser sound possibly interesting.  And, well, of course CARTOGRAPHER, that's like a dream!

After reading a few threads from yesterday, a couple observations came to me.

Many (most?) of the people I associate with have similar issues about their own self-worth.  They may be focused on different core elements (but especially money, career, relationships), but it seems like we have in common a kind of "inferiority complex" (as I call it) regarding certain issues.  We tend to compare (for good and bad) our own situation to others' situations and find ourselves lacking.  Well, it popped into my head that "Wouldn't it be nice to have the exact opposite."  But then it occured to me that that would be a sense of superiority and constantly feeling better than everyone else.  That seems bad also, perhaps even worse.  The perfect goal, I guess, would be complete comfort in where we (individually) are at relative to others (comparison of some sort seems inevitable to me).  I know this can be considered an excercise in stating the obvious, but, for me at least, actually formalizing such thoughts makes them clearer.

So... I'm worried about my dad again (... and mom).  I called my dad to offer to take him out to dinner Sunday evening for Father's Day .... but never got that far.  He mentioned their financial difficulties at present and plans to .... find the best way out of them.  I was offering my perspective and limited insight and trying to address "worst case scenarios" without upsetting him too much.  I had been noticing catches in his voice when all of a sudden he says "Let me call you back. I gotta throw up."  Umm, OK.  So I go into panic mode.  I called my mom and immediately ask her if she is with dad.  "No."  I summarize the situation.  She says that, yes, in fact he is very stressed and hasn't been sleeping well (a fact which he had mentioned) and that he went home feeling sick.  So now I feel rotten knowing that, unwitting as it may have been, I probably stressed him out more..... and more importantly WORRIED to death about his health (he's had a heart attack in the past).  He calls my mom on the other line and she talks to him briefly and then comes back to me.  Yes, he did throw up because he got overwhelmed which just makes me get all emotional (cry).  She says he asked if she would continue the conversation with me since he wasn't up to it.  So I'm left with this worry and feeling of helplessness (which is, I think, my greatest fear).  Neither I nor they know of any way which (or even IF) I can help.  They're still trying to figure out options themselves.  It's a matter of circumstances and bad decisions and bad advise and other things.  

Anyhoo, I'm not looking for condolences or best wishes or anything like that.  I just needed to vent a bit - my Kahlua doesn't seem all that interested.  It also occured to me that events like this have shaped my ideology quite a bit.  I hear a lot of the rhetoric that "If one tries hard enough, anyone can succeed (or become rich, etc)."  Fuck that shit.  My dad's worked pretty damn hard throughout his life (without making any comparisons) and my mom is no slouch either.  She was a "working mom" and ALWAYS had a job as far as I can remember.  Were they high profile jobs? No.  Did they step on others to get ahead? NO!!!!  Despite the stereotype, my dad was a used car salesman and worked damn hard at it - as much as 60-70 hours per week sometimes.  They have worked a HELL OF A LOT harder than I ever have.  And what do they have to show for it?  DEBT, is what!  My mom actually apologized because she said they would never be able to leave me anything....  That's the LAST thing I want them thinking about - less than the last thing.  As I told her, if they had $10million dollars, I'd rather they spend every penny than leave a single cent to me.  I'm certainly not going to begrudge them not leaving me an inheritance.  I've seen enough (though few) of families at each others throats because of what they actually think they DESERVE from what their parents worked for.  Fuck that!!!!  It's their money; they earned it.

But sometimes hard work and just being a good person just isn't enough to achieve that American Dream......

Yesterday I skipped out on work.  I woke up, hopped in the shower, and decided that I was extremely tired, so I immediately hopped back out and went back to bed.  I woke up after 10am (NICE - much better than 6am) did a tiny bit of cleaning including my huge pile of dishes.  Then I headed over to my parents because my aunt is in from Georgia.  So now I'm [sarcasm]SO HAPPY[/sarcasm] to be back at work today.  I get in at 7am; it's 8am and I'm essentially caught up.  This isn't a testament to how efficient I am but how horrificly slow we are right now.  I'm constantly waiting for engineering to finish their stuff so that I can start ordering things.  I always get the least amount of time.

On a good note, we got a sizeable bonus this past Friday for apparently a record sales year.... So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

I don't normally adopt New Year's Resolutions, and this didn't really come about as one, but since 'tis the season, what the hell!  

I'm changing my outlook.  I'm going to have a more positive attitude.  All too often I look at the negative and the "I can't" or "I would never" etc.  I'm not talking about pessimism (pessimism is more specific and situational) so much as just general outlook.  I was listening to some of Thom Hartmann's radio show today and he was talking about how people usually (always?) do things for one of two reasons: to avoid pain or to achieve pleasure.  I think I do way too much of the former and not nearly enough of the latter.  Not that I want to totally give in to hedonism, but .... yeah, I want to at least somewhat.  But mainly I'm talking about just getting rid of the negative thought process.  I'm tired of letting them rule me.  I'm tired of drawing the negative conclusions from events instead of the positive.  I'm tired of examining all the things I've done wrong instead of the many things I've done right and good and well.  This isn't even an action-based agenda for me at this point.  That will (theoretically) come inevitably from the change in mentality.  I need to start more basic than that.  I'm going to make a conscious effort to banish negative thoughts from my mind whenever they rear their ugly head.  I'm going to Change My Mind.
 
It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be quick.  I think that might be the hardest thing to keep in mind.  But DAMNIT I'm gonna do it!